Princess moments

Today i had a very important moment that was shared with my favorite 4 year old girl Emma Shah. She's a special girl since she's the only girl out of 6 kids. She KNOWS with out a DOUBT that she's a princess and will one day grow up to be a Mommy. (i capitalized Mommy because it is one of the most important roles i can think of. Right up next to being a super hero).



We were cleaning out my car today because Emma and her little brother Micheal (or "Bubba" as we affectionately call him) are fascinated that A) i have my own car and am not even a mom yet myself (they think it comes with the title...) and B) it's not as HUGE as the family suburban or their Dad's Mountineer. So i had to get something out of the trunk (which i haven't completely unpacked from my trip yet...) and Emma spotted something blue and shimmery poking out from the mass of stuff in there. She asked me what it was by climbing up the side of my car and leaning into the trunk. I told her it was my prom dress and she asked to see it. I pulled it out and there was a plethora of ooo's and ahhhh's from Bubba and Emma. She then promptly told me it's pretty enough to be a "married dress" (wedding dress) and asked me when i was getting married. I laughed and told her that it was in fact a prom dress and explained what prom was.

She then thought for a minute and then asked me as sweetly as she could to pretty please play dress up with her. and that she could wear MY "mommy shoes" (high heels) and i could wear hers. I of course said sure but it would have to wait because it was going to be time to get her brothers from school soon. She said okay and tottled off to play for a few minutes. I loaded them up into the suburban and off we went. When we came home, a minute after we parked the car, her parents were home. Emma knew what this meant. It meant i would be leaving soon. She was exhausted however and ended up falling asleep for a few minutes while i caught up with her mom on the day's events. The second she woke up, she walked over to her mom and asked shyly, talking into her leg if "Ewin Tuppa could play dress up". I looked at her and couldn't help but smile. She reminds me of when i was little and loved to play dress up with my neighbor Kathy.

I went out to my trunk, pulled out the crumpled mess that is my prom dress, some high heels and marched back into the house to find Emma waiting on the stairs in her dress for me. She followed me into the bathroom and watched me slip the dress over my head and suddenly, i wasn't Eryn Tupper anymore. To Emma Shah, i was the second princess in her kingdom. She ran and got her bag of make-up and proceeded to give me a rather messy manicure, try all of her lip glosses on me and then it was my turn. I put her hair into pigtails and painted her nails bright pink. She did her own make up and then we were complete.

This whole princess make-over took about 25 minutes to complete but it was a special bonding moment between me and that little girl. We became something special together and i wasn't a babysitter anymore. I was her playmate. Someone she could share a regal moment of life with and ya know what? I'm so glad she asked. It made my week just that much brighter.

Flashbacks

Ever had a moment when you could just sit back and think? A moment to reminisce about the good ol' days or memories from a few years ago...?

I have. I've been going over lots of things in my mind lately and ya know what i've realized? Most of my most vivid memories involve some sort of embarrassment.

When i think about my most embarrassing moments such as when i realized what one of Jonathan's puzzles meant after i had asked him if it was involving him asking me to wait for him while he was on a mission i am still embarrassed. (yes, it actually happened... poor boy. he had no clue what kind of crazy he was in for when he decided to say yes to a date with me.) When i think of that moment, when i figured out that the puzzle was telling me that he liked 2 other girls, i am MORTIFIED. Thinking about it now makes those feelings come rushing back as well as a lovely shade of blush to my cheeks.

It's amazing what moments like that can do to you as a person. What kind of walls you build up because of them. I know that will be the very last time i ever ask a boy if he was trying to ask me to wait for him through his mission. (Well, partly because of that incident but partly also because i am getting old enough to know that A) no one does that any more and B) by the time i seriously date someone, i will be hopefully dating a return missionary and not a pre-mission boy) But though these emotions rush back so vividly at the mere thought of these moments of raw vunerability, i know that it takes a moment of being open, totally vunerable to those around you to help to shape who you are.

Another moment in my most vivid memory book is the time that i farted in 8th grade gym class while doing sit ups. Not only was i the only fat girl in that class, so clearly, there was no one else to blame, but it was eerily quiet when i let it rip. It wasn't like i could have stopped it. It was just one that sort of slipped out. And yes, it is a normal bodily function. And yes, there is nothing to be embarrassed about but just think of the combination of the three facts here!
1) Middle school gym class-awkward for everyone except those who hit their social peak in the 8th grade
2) i was the only over weight girl in that WHOLE gym class. What were the odds?
3) it was a moment of uncontrolled flatulation. It's ridiculous in any situation.
This moment taught me two things. 1) it's hard for someone to take you seriously after you've farted in front of them and 2) no more school broccoli for me!

So my point in telling you all this about me and my past is that through reliving these memories, i have realized that i have blossomed into the girl who isn't embarrassed by anything (Well, not anything but most things) today. I have learned when i need to draw the line between what i fantasize happening in my head and the real life events in front of me. I have also learned that there are some moments in life you can't control (like in gym class) and you need to get through that moment as painful as it may be IN that moment and then laugh about it later.

I think that Joseph B. Wirthlin had a great thing going with his family when they chose to laugh about the little hiccups in life rather than be upset with them. I hope we can all adopt that attitude someday.

:)

Dear Santa

I know it's a bit early to be writing and i may even be a bit old to write but i figured i'd give it a shot anyway.
I've tried to be good all year and i've made quite a few grown up decisions for myself too! Alls i want for christmas is this.

Ya see, i've been wanting to get into photography for SUCH a long time and i have played with my friend Heather's camera and i love it. And it could be rather beneficial to my breaking into the art world. :)

Pretty please!? with sugar on top!?

thanks.

Love,

Eryn Tupper

p.s. i still totally believe even though i've heard the rumors. :)

Reverse

I am preparing for my first ever reverse cross country trip. In 24 hours, i will be in Utah. It's the first big trip i'm going to make alone. I wasn't nervous until it hit me about 10 minutes ago. I have 2,500 miles to drive alone with nothing to keep me company except my iPod and the open road. I'm not nervous about being alone, okay, well, maybe a little but i'm more nervous about just making another trip. It's a big deal to pick up and move everything across country and i've done it a lot in my young life. I suppose it's better now than later i get used to having to be totally independent in things. Well, i won't be totally independent since my mom will be calling me every 3 hours to check up on me but i will be independent for the most part.

It's been a bittersweet decision to stay home this semester. I am taking classes online but it's not the same thing. It's hard to be here when i know all my friends are back in Rexburg having fun and going to classes and actually having a reason to wake up extra early just to make sure they are cute for that one boy they MIGHT see on the way to class. I miss it. I feel so... young and old at the same time being home. It's weird to be the youngest girl in Relief Society and yet the oldest person still almost considered a youth. I suppose this means i ought to start going to the single's ward at least once in a while huh?

I still am not sure of my date of surgery because they want a CT scan of my knee first. I get that done on the 28th and then meet with my surgeon again on the 13th of October. I did find out however, that :

A) i have arthritis in my knees.
B) i tore a ligament on the inside of my knee that holds my knee cap in place
C) my knee caps sit naturall high.
and
D) they can't do anything about A or C which means two things, the grinding that's going on will get progressively worse but may be helped with meds. (i choke down three BIG pills a day to help with it... glucosamine and chondroitan) and that my knees will never be totally stable because they refuse to sit down where they ought to.

BUT at least there is SOMETHING they can do for me and that's the whole point now isn't it? I will at least have less of the pain on the inside and it won't slip as much. which will be awesome.

I suppose that's all for now folks! Tune in next week when i report on my trip!

I hope you know, i've had a hard time.

Do you see that lovely woman in the pink dress? That's my great Grandma Doll. This was the last time i saw her. She died yesterday at the ripe old age of 99. I'm taking it harder than i thought i would. She's the first person that i've ever lost that i actually knew anything about. She was one amazing woman and was always active and had a snappy wit. She was independent and loved her kids very much. I'm very sad i didn't get to know her better when i had the chance.

It's made me realize that i'm missing out on a lot of relationships in my life and really neglecting some good ones i've had. I don't want to try to be everyone's best friend but i want to really cherish the few good friendships i do have. And try to repair the relationship i have with my mother, as omnious a task as that seems sometimes.

My mom's cancer cells are back and higher then before. When she told me this, i didn't cry, i didn't comfort her crying, i didn't have any sort of reaction. I was actually kind of annoyed by it. Like she was taking something important away from me just to be spiteful. I couldn't share in that emotion with her because i harbor such bitter feelings about everything this family has gone through and how somedays, i feel more weight is on my shoulders than my parent's.

I can be so selfish sometimes it hurts me more than it hurts those around me. I don't like the isolation i'm putting myself into but it seems like my only safehaven where i can bottle my emotions and keep my strong front up. It's harder and harder everyday but it's my choice and has become my nature so i must bear my own burden i suppose.

Things have to change. Starting yesterday.

some days...

Some days life is tougher than others. Today happened to be one of them. But i think i will be okay. It's given me something to reflect upon. like my relationship with my mother which has seemed to taken a sharper turn than expected. It's all part of being home after being away i guess. i just sure hope things straighten out soon. It makes my days harder then they ought to be. also, because of this building frustration with everything involving life, i have shut my door hard enough to make it stick. I may never be able to get out now...

I got a job. Oh man did i get a job. Not a very exciting job but a job nonetheless. I work for PepDirect in Lyndeborough NH. They print up the things non-profit organizations like the March of Dimes send out asking for donations. Not only do they print and ship these things, but they also receive donations for some of the companies. that's where my job comes in. I get to take the mail, load it into this machine which cuts the envelopes open on three sides then slides it down this track right in front of me. I pick up the contents and sort it into all these different piles. Oh! Did i mention that the kind of mail i deal with has a nickel glued onto it? I also have to scrape the nickel and all the glue off before i sort it. It's rather mind numbing but after about 4 hours of it, you don't really notice what you're doing anymore. you just kinda... go.

But exciting news that goes along with my job is that today, i found out i make a whole lot more money than i thought i did. Which is always a good thing. Also, kinda of... awkward since i just started and my uncles and cousin who encouraged me to apply for the job in the first place make a whole lot less than me. But let's just keep that between us okay?

Other exciting news... my knee! I went to talk to a surgeon! He told me what they are going to do is move the tendon that is attactched to the bottom of my patella over and loosen things up on the outside tissue and tighten things up on the inside. Also that i should have my other knee done as well in about a year. I go in for my first MRI on Friday and then have the final appointment with my surgeon on the 15th and then it's off to surgery by the first week in October i think. I'm kind excited about it actually. Is that weird? It seems a little weird to me to be excited about surgery, but i am.

I think that's all for now.

Lots of love,
Me

falling back into step.

I have done lots of reflecting in my life recently about all the boys that made my heart go pitter patter in high school, all the girls i called my best friends, all the teachers who made me become a responsible student (i'm still working on that one) and you know what i've realized?

I haven't really talked to most of them since high school. It's like i totally sealed that chapter of my life and left it on the shelf to get dusty. But i'm okay with that. I'm okay with moving on and leaving the past behind. It's helped me to become who i am and forge my own path in life.

It's been hard though. Especially to move out of the close relationships i had with some of my friends in high school. They seemed to always be there when i needed a hand or just a laugh. I have also realized that moving out of those relationships into a search for something more in life, i have isolated myself from society when i'm home.

Tonight, my friend Nick Matthews, a kid i haven't seen nor really heard from since graduation day, called me up out of the blue to go see a movie. Of course i said yes. He was the one guy i can honestly say i was truly, deeply, honestly in love with all through high school. He's a great guy. As i was driving to the theater, all those feelings of being 14 and head over heels for him came flooding back and i got really excited to see him. But you know what? i'm not in love with him anymore. I didn't have any of those feelings towards him. And it was awesome. It was comforting to know that i have moved on in some small way. It was also comforting to know that we easily fell into our old ways of conversing (albiet a smidge awkward at first).

I love the fact that i have been able to sort of put things at home aside to become my own person but i'm also really greatful to have been able to make such good friends that two years apart didn't destroy our friendship. I'm glad i have been able to grow as a person and i'm really really glad they have too. I almost feel it was better this way. Nick is exactly the way i left him, just a little older and i think that's the way things should be.